Fucking Fat

What do you do when you fall off the wagon? When life flies by and you know you've failed but you can't get your shit together!
My last blog was 2 years ago. I enjoyed the bootcamp I did but was incredibly disappointed, I didn't loose anything; maybe 3 lbs.
I was frustrated with my schedule and left it.
January 2015 I joined the gym with my previous workout partner and was jealous of her weightloss. She lived across the gym and had been going consistently and had a trainer. She looked amazing and I hadn't been going, but not only that I gained weight. Now I don't remember how much but I could make going to the gym and my schedule mesh. I know it was an excuse but also true.
I don't want to be going to the gym with her when she's succeeded so much and not only have I not lost I've gained almost back to where I was at the beginning. I need to deal with my shit before teaming up with her.
It's easy for someone who doesn't have kids to get schedule the gym but between myself, husband and 2 kids, plus getting off work at 5:30 I was having a hard time.
In April of 2015 I stopped going to the gym and that didn't have to do with my mental junk but because I got a new job which is amazing and I love and am so happy about. The hours are better but I had my kids all the time during the summer, so couldn't get to the gym. I neglected the gym and didn't go so by Christmas 2015 I was up to 189lbs.
I really noticed it after Christmas, going back to work (January 2016) my dress pants felt tight. I didn't realize that I was up so much. I was planning on getting back into the gym but I never got motivated enough and tried to start walking. I was happy about it but I was mentally struggling this gain.
Reflecting now, at my current 196 lbs, I'm dumbstruck that I'm here. 30llbs in 2 years!
I'm sickened with myself. And honestly I'm feeling those 30lbs everytime I look in the mirror lately.
It's frustrating because I could tell. Through the months I could see it in my clothes, my stomach and it was impacting my mood

Back when I was 204lbs and decided to get to the gym and took my before pictures... it wasn't until I started losing and taking pictures that I became aware of how big I was. I knew I wasn't small, that I wish I didn't have this tummy, but until I was dropping the weight I realized I had a lot to go before getting to how I wanted to look.

But now, I know how I'm looking, I'm not oblivious and I can't pretend that I look good. (I have good days and bad days)
I'm pissed! I know what this will take and I'm angry that it was so easy to gain back. Although I know 2 years isn't that bad, however, 30 fucking pounds to get to just where I was!! Damnit this SUCKS!
And I remember that I was happy to be there.
Crap!

So what am I doing?
Well I'm cutting calories. Maybe I should be going to the gym but honestly I want to lose weight not build muscles. And yes muscles burn more calories, but hey you know what, I have fat to burn, so lets do that.
Sure eating potatoes and squash isn't gonna be fun, but I've had fun. I'm going to accept my punishment and suffer for stuffing my face and being lazy. It gonna be hard and uncomfortable, but maybe I'll occupy myself with cleaning and doing something else.
Because winter is coming. And traditionally that's when we should be using our fat.

Heck it may work or maybe I'll hit the gym. But either way it's time to march my ass back down the scale to my UGW